😂 amazing answer
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“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.