😂 amazing answer
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people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body