Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?

Vodka

*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.

I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.

Me trying to look natural in photos

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.

I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly

Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?

Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies

Doctor 1: YES!! done

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.

Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working

Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?

Son:

Me:

Son: Where’s mom?

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.

“Don’t ask.”

Oh. I wasn’t even listening.

*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”

when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?

My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight

Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”

Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.

[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.