Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…

Him: Don’t do this.

Me: I didn’t make the cut.

Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.

Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.

Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.

A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.

If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly

ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.