😅😅😅
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Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.