😅🤣😂
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Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
When you put it that way… 😂
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*