😅🤣😂
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“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again