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please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
LMAO
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud