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Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.