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What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
How long do you have to wait between naps?
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?