馃槅
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A hop and a tag…you’re it! 馃槀馃槣馃樅
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
yikes
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
No I don鈥檛 want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we鈥檒l make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 馃檪
professor x: what鈥檚 ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that鈥檚 not a superpower
me:
professor x: where鈥檚 my pen
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Why aren鈥檛 you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
I鈥檓 already scared
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*