Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature

joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao

what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie

A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying

Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really

Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*

iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.

It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.

me: okay, thank you!

boss: thank you more!

me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.

boss: what

me: what

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”

– my foot touching anything in the ocean.

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.

KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin

Bear Family: what’s our cover?

KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

Hmm, not sure about this change

I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.

“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”

“Wow, that’s great!”

~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.

cushion on the right slightly discoloured

The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.