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Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
work smarter, not harder
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people