Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.

[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!

My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.

There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

Haikus are silly.
Why seventeen syllables?
Why not one less?

I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.

MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.

My tombstone will probably read

“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own

Plot twist:

“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda

I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that

if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away

Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really

An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.

[Mom group]

New mom: My six-month-old is teething.

My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.

Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.