đthis is so true
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Interviewer : So youâre super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, whatâs 346Ă48?
Me : 804
I : Thatâs not correct
Me : Fast though.
WIFE: Iâm leaving
ME: Well itâs no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and Iâm not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: Iâm leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if theyâre allergic to just catholicism
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
i donât want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Things that donât exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Married life be like, âI need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I havenât been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.â
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok itâs a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: heâs just eating those like Pac-Man
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kittyâŚ
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
[during fight]
him: Iâll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, itâs you I donât like.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah itâs been super great
Come closerâŚ..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, âWhy are you sitting in the dark?â and then flipped the light on without asking.
me: son, youâre adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no itâs a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was âtakenâ by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, âWell yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.â
And thatâs the most Australian thing Iâve ever heard.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Me: god youâre sexy
Her (sultry whisper): Iâll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasonsâŚâŚâŚ.I donât want company