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That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.