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[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Jus’ sayin. 😐
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.