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“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
why no one uses midhusbands
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Happy Febuary everyone!
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy