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Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down