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Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
repaired
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that