You Might Also Like
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.