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Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them