You Might Also Like
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.