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Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
