😍😂🥰😂😍
You Might Also Like
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.