πππ₯°ππ
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Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
itβs dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
[group therapy]
Frankensteinβs Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlovβs Dog: I know, right? They just couldnβt be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
SchrΓΆdingerβs Cat: There might be.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
*pulls at 28Β° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29Β° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094Β° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you werenβt late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to countπ
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Almost forgotβ¦πππππ
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
What idiot called it chicken broth when youβre sick and not pharmasoupicals?