Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain

If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.

Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!

Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

🎶we are never ever ever getting back together

– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life

me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here

doctor: that is correct

Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there

Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

Ooh I do like a good funnel

“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”

A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.

When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.

They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.

[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling