😎 🍻
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genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick