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Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
this is the best day of my life
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?