😜
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I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
dutch is not a serious language
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.