😜
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In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
look at me when i’m typing to you
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
my proudest tweet
Basically, any European coat of arms:
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance