😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
You Might Also Like
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Trumpy Cat
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”