😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
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Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.