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Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.