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[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.