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I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter鈥檚 school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That鈥檚 an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That鈥檚 a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That鈥檚 India.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine鈥檚-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.
Friend: What鈥檚 it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister鈥檚 math worksheet and now we鈥檙e waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can鈥檛 wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.