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Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Prince: itās taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: āHoney can you come here please?ā]
Her: What did you get for Valentineās Day?
Me: Drunk!
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered Iād reply:
Pet Smart, weāre crate training this one
COP: Is this man bothering you maāam?
ME: Sheās my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Todayās Tarot Card: Itās not the destination that matters; itās the huge number of enemies youāve made along the way.
my mom: āplease donāt rile up the dogs when we get homeā
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Just tried a kids meal in McDonaldās. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as Iām driving
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
the way he checked his surroundings š
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISNāT
doctor: hereās your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when itās critical to make the āpspspspsppspā noise
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also Iām vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roaminā Catholic?
Salesman: So, Iāll just assume you want the extended warranty.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase āthat sucksā was coined?
I finally figured out why the neighborās house is always so clean:
My kids donāt live there.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Donāt borrow someone elseās iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
sick of our mediaās unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
āYou canāt have your cake and eat
it tooāPeople that donāt know how cake
works.