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Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Why don’t bikes stand up on their own?
Because they’re two tired
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito