😤😤
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How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
TEETH IS INNOCENT
and now we wait
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.