😤😤
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Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I may have bags under my eyes, but they’re Versace.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys