😤😤
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I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.