Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dam girl

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.

I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option

Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

[Screams into a dark wishing well]

“I want my coins back!”

Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant

Parenting log, day 560:

The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.

Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad

VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”

New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”

Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.

no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe

wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants

Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…

Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.

“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.

omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business

Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!

Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore

also CEOs:

Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.

Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?

…and send

I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.