Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.

Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.

My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.

Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.

Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.

“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

him: 911, what’s your emergency

me: a home invasion

him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes

me: they’re armed

him: 5 minutes

me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under

swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]

You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.

Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar

My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?

Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.

Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*

If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.

[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.

I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.

[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]

Ahhhh, there it is…

Wife: Get off of me!!

MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

me: okay, thank you!

boss: thank you more!

me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.

boss: what

me: what