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My aunt: [to my kid] Youāve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: donāt say it, donāt say it, donāt say itā¦
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they donāt suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldnāt be breeding anyway.
If at first you donāt succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didnāt succeed either.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you canāt get out of a hammock.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If heās in the kitchen, heās burning a brisket
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and youāll never have to share your food again.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir itās the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
You might think Iām flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and youāre like ānice to meet youā and theyāre like āhaha actually weāve already metā
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this PokƩmon conversation.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week š
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crewās bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. thatās a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; youāre drunk
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
you donāt need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you donāt even need to build a bear.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
There is no āweā in pizza
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesnātā
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If youāre tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out āphone chargersā. Itās a device that restores your phoneās battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. Cāmon man.
I need an Amazddy. Itās like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Why canāt Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like Iām trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say āF-Artā and if that dedication to a vision isnāt worthy of an A+ in art I donāt know what is.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing itās tail inside a jar of pickles.