😭😭
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Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’