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oh sorry i cant im busy that day
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
When you have to use a public restroom.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.