😭😭😭😭
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My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”