😭😭😭😭
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hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
