😭😭😭😭
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Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
I’d … I’d rather not.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.