😭😭😭
You Might Also Like
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo