😭😭😭
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Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
tourist season
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
S/o to @funTweeters .
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
Breaking news:
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!