😭😭😭
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This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING