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“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.