😭😭😭
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You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.