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I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”