😭😭😭
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I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
me: you know what I need?
body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?
me: another coffee.
body: you mother fu-
Saw Babygirl today and 40 minutes into the movie the old white guy sitting next to me turned to his wife and said, “this is not a Christmas movie,” and they got up and left. That’s the power of cinema, baby.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.