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ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
That 👊
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.