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I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.