😭😭
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In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.