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My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn