😭😭
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The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike