😭😭
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Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner