😭😭
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The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Current mood: Potato
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.