😭😭
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“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.