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relationship goals
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internetā¦
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, Iām just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I donāt care about to confess?
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Donāt tell me what to do, youāre not a donut
This is my favorite one of these!
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing Iāll do is run through those paper walls pretending Iām the Kool-Aid man.
When cannibals fall for one another, thatās chew love
My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with itā¦ Yall that man said āidk what you doing that forā¦ i got all my teeth tooā ššš
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-oldās swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: ā¦
CHARLES MANSON: ā¦
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
āAs first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?ā
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says heās getting rid of China
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying āthatās what she saidā so I said āchallenge acceptedā and she replied āletās see how long you keep this upāā¦and then I paid for my next drink
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Life hack
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say āshould be a nice dayā
This lady didnāt know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered ānobody doesā while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Donāt let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.