😭😭
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If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.
I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.