😭😭
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Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I’m being attacked 😭
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.