😭😭
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COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
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*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin