😲 WTF? 😆
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“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.
My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.