Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Murderer: [stabs me]

Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]

[bedtime]

SON: Can you leave the light on?

ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?

SON: What?

ME: What?

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.

Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.

My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.

if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1653787424525373440/pu/vid/720x902/-0KQX-c_HDohRdOn.mp4?tag=12

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

Tony Hawk, age 6

R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary

HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.

3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!

Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.

I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…

“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.