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If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”