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Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
I really miss my family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Woke up against my better judgment again
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.