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Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
I just tested negative for patience.