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I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Kids: Stay in school.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
“A little help here, Danny?”
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
A lot of tenors look like they’re watching a T-Rex eat a kitten while they’re singing, but not ol’ Pavarotti. He looked like he was trying to remember where he parked his car.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.