😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
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Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
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Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre![]()
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
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I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.